We Are Not Okay
Photo by Jessica Felicio on Unsplash
There was a day this past week where I noticed on every call there was a pause after someone asked, “how are you?” It’s been a loaded question since the beginning of time. One that people ask and don’t really wait for the answer. It’s programmed into us that it’s the courteous way to jump into a conversation. But with the year we’ve been having, it seems that maybe all of us are taking a beat after being asked to evaluate how we’re actually doing. And I’ll speak for myself here but on most days, I am not okay.
Yes, I get up every day and function as is required. I walk my dog. I make him and myself breakfast. I creep back up the steps usually with a hot cup of tea and proceed to sit at my laptop for roughly ten hours out of my day. I have zero extracurricular activities to indulge in after work because of quarantine and so usually, I sit in front of my laptop even more to work on the various projects that I have outside of my full-time job, including revisions for a whole novel. But I’m not okay.
I am struggling to remember anything. When people ask me about something in the past, I can’t remember whether it was two days or two weeks ago. I am tired of Zoom meetings all day that seem to distract me from the actual work that I need to get done. I’m not waking up on time most days and hustling to be on time for a job that literally only requires that I walk into the next bedroom. And it’s because I can’t remember the last time I slept through a whole night peacefully without waking up for at least a couple of hours in the stillness of the early morning.
My personal life is fine. I mean, bills are paid, for now, the family is good and healthy and safe, but yet the weight of the world feels impossible. It feels impossible to move around like it’s just business as usual. I mean racism is still alive and well and to Kanye’s point they ain’t even concealing it. We are in the midst of a pandemic that literally has no end in sight. Our economy is hanging on by the tiniest thread of string. We have a jacked-up government. We live in a time where most of us are afraid that an election might be stolen and has already been tampered with. Here in a “free” democracy, we say these things as if it’s normal or as if the power is not within the people to stop it. We just take the hand that we’ve been given instead of going full out revolution to really change things and it is exhausting.
When I’m asked how I’m doing, I want to say “I’m exhausted and overwhelmed.” But people don’t really know what the hell to do with that when you’re actually honest and transparent about what life has actually been like for the past 7 months. Taking it in stride has surely expired and I am desperately wondering when things will not be normal again, but when I can hug my family again without anxiety. When I can sit down comfortably at a restaurant with my husband and not be cooking most days out of the week when I already have extremely busy days. When we can really organize to make real change in this country.
Life is weird. I went to my uncle’s funeral last weekend and I was so happy to just be seeing my family even under the grave circumstances. And we had to have these moments of sticking out elbows to greet one another and not being sure how safe it was to go to the repast. But I would risk it all again because of how great it felt to see all of their faces. It’s been over a year since I’ve seen a lot of them and if anything this awful year has taught us, it’s what really matters. For me, they matter.
Clearly, I don’t have to paint the picture here because we are all living and experiencing this here thing of 2020 in real-time. But I just wanted to be vulnerable enough to say, hey it is a struggle trying to survive and stay upbeat and keep a good mind frame. It’s hard to focus and to work at the top of my ability even though I’m still expected to.
The answer is not to stop asking people how they’re doing. I’ve seen people gripe about that or when people start emails with, “I hope you’ve been well.” I think it’s more so about being present for the answer. We should keep checking on each other. We should keep wishing and hoping that others are well because it’s hard as hell to be well in these times. But we should wait for the answer. We should lean in and listen to it and give a thoughtful response even if it’s not all peaches and herb for someone.
I promise this isn’t some type of call for help. Lol. I’m fine essentially. I’m just saying that it’s okay not to really feel okay. Even as we function fully and push through and appear to be strong. I just want you to know that on the outside if it looks like I have it all together, I don’t. But every day, I wake up and push past whatever I’m feeling and I try to show up in the world the best I know how. I hope you’re finding your way too.
Love, and always more love.
