What If I’m Not Ready Yet?

Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash

Summer is feeling in full swing here on the East Coast and after the year and a half we’ve had, I get why folks are ready to get back in action. But everything in me has been asking, “Am I ready to get back to the rat race?” 

The short answer is no. I’m having all types of anxiety about being back in larger social settings. I feel different. Who I was in March of 2020 is not the person I feel like today in 2021. So much has changed. I think I’ve learned what’s really important to me. The importance of rest. The resilience of life. And I’m not sure everyone got the memo. 

When I go out, I’d think people would be nicer to one another. Maybe it’s naive of me to think we would care for one another more after this major life event that felt like a great equalizer of sorts. For at least those first few months, none of us knew what the future held in store. Now, it’s like all of a sudden because we’re ready to get the economy back on track, we’re off to the races with no real plan on what “re entry,” in a sense, looks like. 

Sure, we know more about the science. How the virus spreads and we have a vaccine that helps with the awful mortality rate from contracting COVID-19. But what’s the plan for helping all of our mental stability after being in close quarters with only our families for a year? What’s the universal therapy plan, because I would imagine this is a huge trauma we have survived, especially for those who have lost so many close friends and family in this time. 

I find it extra difficult in a career in music where being social is a big part of the gig. I’m trying to gear myself up for some major life changes that will cause me to be in even bigger arenas than before. And I know I’ll get that muscle back, but damn if it doesn’t feel clunky as hell at the moment. 

I’m okay with slowly transitioning back into real life. As comforting as it felt to be in this cocoon. I want to take full advantage of reconnecting with my friends and family I haven’t seen in over a year. But I am not in a hurry to go back to festivals with thousands of people or to have strangers stand any closer to me than six feet. There were certain things about the last year and a half that I think shouldn’t change. That includes carrying my bottle of sanitizer around and not feeling inclined to have to hug strangers. 

I guess I want to encourage others that if you’re not ready to get back to “normal” you’re not alone. Some of us are slow walking this thing and that’s okay. Some of us have decided to make life changes from what we’ve experienced. Sure, we can’t hide away forever, but we get to decide how we move forward. What to keep and what to throw away. What to advocate for like keeping work from home days or more support for working parents. 

The things we’ve seen this year, we can’t unsee. It’s our responsibility to take that new knowledge and make wiser choices. Or else what are we doing?

For me, that looks like exercising and taking better care of my physical health. It means not putting work or other things before the people I love the most, including myself. Rediscovering a sense of adventure. Going for it. It means being kinder to strangers and having an extreme sense of gratitude I walk through the world with every single day. As long as I’m here, I think there’s good for me to do, ways for me to leave this world a little better than I found it.